Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Letting go.  How do I do it? No idea. Have to find out.  I don't let go well.  Of all sorts of things.  In many ways I know the answers.  I can go back to what appears to be the root of my emotional crap and move forward from there seeing how each event altered me.  But knowing is one thing, another to let it all go.  My life has been one challenge after another.  Nothing comes easy and I'm okay with that.  I'm used to that.  I always say my saving grace is my Moon in Sag in 1 (even if it is opposite Mercury/trine Neptune).  It allows me to have a positive outlook 80% of the time.  It allows me to enjoy the simple things in life with joy and gratitude.

Got out the Vanessa Tarot by Lynyrd Nariso (US Games Systems Inc) to help lighten the mood and pulled:

The Queen of Wands reminds me to be confident, assertive and energetic.  All things I am ... well unless I forget.

Strength reminds me of my courage and resilience.  I have these in spades and have had to fall back on them over and over.  

9 of Coins reminds me to be proud of what I have achieved and to continue to direct my energy in positive ways towards my joys.

Add them up (8+9=17) and you get the Star.  Hmm ... hope and light. 

Letting go.  Painful and difficult. Why.

Perhaps these cards are telling me to just be me, remembering all I've been through has led me to here.  And here is all I have.  Be balanced and continue along my journey.  Use the tools I already have and the ones I have yet to learn and the letting go will take care of itself.

a work in progress ....

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Two posts in one day.  Some sort of record. LOL.

Since I don't have a car anymore and my son Jordan and Bekki do, they asked if I would drive them to the airport, keep the car while they are gone and pick them up when they return on Sep 3.  Oh yeah, not a problem.  With me being off work, it will allow me some fabulous day trips and also pick up supplies too heavy to carry in my backpack which is my usual way to get groceries and household items.

They picked me up at 4pm and off we went.  Did not expect to find myself so emotional.  Come on, Carol, he is only going for a week.  I gave them both big hugs and took a few pictures as they left.

I drove away and found tears rolling down my face.  Tears of excitement and joy for them as they go on their adventure.   My baby boy all grown up ♥

A little later Jordan tweeted a picture of them in their seats on the plane:

Bye ... have fun ... love you both.

Not the best of weeks, not the worst of weeks.  Some ups and downs for sure. On Wednesday, I allowed myself to be emotionally wounded (again) by a friend of 45 years.  Well truth is no longer a friend.  Still trying to deal with all of that and putting distance between us is difficult when she works where I work (I got her the job).  My main goal is seeking balance and harmony between us.  I have a picture of us together happy here at my desk with the words "balance and harmony" below it and every time I sit down, I glance at it and visualize this. Took a bit of a back step this week though and she caught me off guard with some words.  So now I am working on letting go of those words and my emotional response.  Letting go is not the easiest for me being the Taurus Sun/Scorpio Asc square Saturn/MC that I am. Lesson to learn in progress. Oh the challenges never end.  But that is life, right?

My cousin's husband, who has been battling cancer, has had a setback this week.  With this news, my problems are minuscule compared to his. My heart, my love, my energy goes to him to help him fight this battle.  So sad.

On a positive note, had dinner with my baby brother and his family on Thursday night along with my daughter, my son and his girlfriend.  Wonderful to see him.  They were on their way home from their vacation and since the highway takes them right by my lovely town, he contacted me to see if we could meet.  Oh yeah.  We used to meet at my dad's all the long weekends throughout the year and for birthdays etc.  But since dad has been gone the times are growing longer between visits.  We both agreed to work harder.  

My son and his girlfriend are off for a week to Nova Scotia.  Flying out this afternoon, landing in Halifax and then looking at a four hour drive to Bekki's parent's home on the coast off Cape Breton. I am so excited for him.  

Best news and most positive ... I am off work for two weeks. Two weeks!!! Time to spend on my joys, my passions.  So looking to enjoy every moment of each day.

Had a really nice workout session today.  Then a mediation session.  Some valuable issues and possible solutions were explored.

I got out my Osho Zen Tarot deck.  Seems appropriate for my mood and what transpired in my meditation.

Pulled ReceptivityMastery of Emotions/Queen of Water

Before, during and after meditation I had been saying to myself "I am in the universe, the universe is in me, the universe and I combine".  I love this card.  I do need to "empty" my head of all the busyness going on.  I need to remain more in tune with the universe and be grateful for what life brings.  

I am indeed grateful...

Monday, August 20, 2012

A much better day today. Even getting up early for work was fine.  After work, I stopped at the grocery store for a few supplies only to find it so busy, I had to wait in line for a good 20 minutes.  Finally got home.  A lovely feeling.  

Sat down to meditate for a bit only to find myself distracted by my neighbors loud television. A nice lady but going deaf and forgets our conversations about keeping it lower.  Somewhat annoying.  Got my earplugs out but even with them in, I could still hear her tv.  So I decided to go to the bathroom, close the door and try there.  Next thing I know, my kitty, China; comes in, sits up on the counter right beside me and starts purring.  She has the loudest purr ever.  I just had to laugh.  Okay universe no meditation today.  

Came back to my desk and pulled a card. Again from The Whispering Tarot (by Elizabeth Hazel).  The Hanged Man (12)  Hmm ... my first thought is how comfortable he looks and how calm.  Even with all of his material belongings slipping away.  He was right there in the moment not seeming to be concerned about the consequences of this.  And perhaps that is the point.

My lesson of late is learning how to let go, how to distance myself from certain things and people, and not to worry about what might be down the road.  This card is another reminder.  Also to be open to options I might not even consider or be aware of opportunities I might not think are opportunities.

Slow but sure .....

Sunday, August 19, 2012

What can I say.  A horrible weekend.  Emotionally.  Fail.  Just when you think things are going along okay, even better than okay, something comes along to show you otherwise.  Its like I got to the edge and saw a glimpse of the dream only I wasn't able to get over.  Not for a lack of trying.  On one particular thing I gave my heart and soul and still wasn't able to get over to the other side.  Almost, so close ...

Cry, cry.  So earlier today, I sat down to meditate.  That always helps.  And indeed it did.  Some options opened up in my thoughts.  Won't go into details (they are all written in my journal) but came back with a better perspective, a better mood.  This is such hard work but that is nothing new to me.  Always willing to put in the effort despite the occasional meltdown.  

Wanted to pull a card so got out The Whispering Tarot by Elizabeth Hazel.  I like this deck.  It is small which is great for my little hands but not so much for my old eyes. 

When I saw the 4 of Cups, I had to smile.  Right to the point Whispering Tarot!  Except for the blonde hair, that is me looking sad and contemplative.  Sad for the dreams that haven't or won't come to be.  But forgetting about what I do have and grateful for.  I especially love the Moon showing up on the card, since she was in my meditation.   I will allow myself to wallow there for a bit but momentarily I will turn around, see the cups and the gateway to the stars.  Make some new dreams.  And continue on.   As I always do.  At least I tried.

to be continued ...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I was thinking I really should start putting the images of the cards I pull on here.  The decks are so different from each other and often the message is different.  Will put on my "to-do" list.  My son is a computer person presently in school to be a programmer.  For years he has offered to help me with a web site.  One of these days am going to take him up on the offer.

Took the afternoon off to take China back to the vet so he could check up on her paw pad.  Looks really good.  At this point, nothing else needs to be done.  Continue with her meds until done and keep an eye on her.  We probably will never know how this happened but all that matters to me is her being fine.  She was really good in the car this time.  Didn't meow or throw up.  Wasn't too happy while being examined but was very happy to arrive back home.

The visit didn't take as long as I had anticipated thereby giving me some extra time at home.  I did my weight exercises and some ab work.  Then got myself comfortable for a meditation.  After that I pulled three cards from the Pagan Tarot (Gina Pace).  I really enjoy this deck.  Use it all the time.  The cards I pulled fit in perfectly with what went on in my meditation session.

The Chariot
2 of Chalices
The Sun

My mind was spinning (info overload about options in my future) and it was hard finding a balance and calm but all the while in the meditation the sun was all around me encouraging me to find the happy part of my soul and the 2 of Chalices encouraging me to continue with the visualization of my ideal self.  Keep up the meditations, the study and allow it to happen one step at a time.  Be in the moment and it will fall together as it should.

Adding the numbers of the cards up you get 28 = 1- = The Wheel.  This is the card I pulled yesterday.  Hmm ...

to be continued ....

Monday, August 13, 2012

First day back at work after some time off is always a bit disorienting.  Getting back into work mode.  Going through all the emails, all the papers piled up on my desk.  A co-worker had to do parts of my work, and because she is off until Thursday, kindly left everything for me to look over.

I had great expectations for this evening earlier in the day but now that this evening is here, well, I find myself very tired (and it isn't even 8pm).  Decided on a nice bubble bath to relax and then just get cozy in bed with a book or maybe watch a tv show.  At 10 pm lights out, turn radio on, listen to Q ... no doubt will not hear the end of it but I enjoy falling asleep to Jian's voice.  6 am comes pretty quickly.

Got out the Pagan Tarot (by Gina Pace) and pulled The Wheel.  For many reasons a perfect card especially after a conversation with my son yesterday.  Things I can't talk about on here (yet) but these things will definitely affect me... in good ways.  I think.  I hope. A possibility of an opportunity to do some things I didn't do in the past, still want to do, missed the chances previously.  Maybe I can hop on this time. So will see.

Tomorrow is back to the vet with China.  She is doing much better and although she won't let me look at her paw pad, I can tell.  Perhaps we will never know for sure what happened but I am pretty sure my thoughts are correct.  I will be very observant from now on.  She is not going to want to get back in the carrying case and being a big cat, this can be a difficult process.  Since she gets car sick, I will be prepared this time.

My brain is telling me to stop for the day ...

to be continued ....

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The last hours as my week off is winding down.  I don't want to go back to work :(  Oh well, pays the bills.  Plus I have two more weeks to look forward to at end of the month/beginning Sept.

Who knew it would take so long to set up a new computer making sure everything from the old one safely ended up on the new one.  My son came over on Wednesday afternoon to answer all my questions and check things out.  He then suggested why doesn't he prepare supper for me.  Can't say no to that so off we go to the store for supplies.  He also gave me a lesson on how to properly use the gears on my bicycle.  Seems I've not been managing them to the best of their ability.  The boy can multi-task!!  Love you Jord.

I had a bit of crisis with my kitty, China, who I adopted last December.  Somehow she hurt her paw pad and it was infected.  Had to get her to the vet.  Poor baby gets car sick and threw up all over the carrying case.  Since I am car-less, my daughter helped me get China there and back.  The vet was stumped as to how it might have happened, as am I.  She is on some antibiotics and will have to take her back on Tuesday.  She won't let me look at it so it is hard for me to tell how it is doing.  However, she is more like herself now than she was last week.  I am hoping it will be a good report on Tuesday.

It has been such a lovely, relaxing week.  The weather was very hot until Thursday when it clouded over.  I had to take a second look because its been a blue sky summer with little rain.    We did get a tiny bit of rain but certainly not enough to help the poor farmers in this area.  Their crops are not doing well.  It has been nice to have a drop in temperature and get some relief.

While I was rearranging my "office space", I came across The Celtic Wisdom Tarot deck by Caitlin Matthews.  Forgot I had it.  I've always wanted to delve more deeply into Celtic myths and traditions but it still remains on my to do list.  Thought I would spend a bit of time with it today and see how it felt.  I do enjoy the deck itself.  Like the pictures.  I don't understand all of what Caitlin has to say about them, however, I get the general idea.

I shuffled and drew Queen of Art - all about what I am doing to nurture my soul.  Exactly what I have been doing this past week.  She prefers home to the world at large and indeed I had no desire to leave my little nest and the few times I did, I wanted to get home quickly.  

Even without working, there just didn't seem to be enough time.  Never enough time.  It is hard to choose what to pick and what to leave on the list for another time.  So much time was spent with the computer exchange involving a room rearrangement, little else got done.  It was a good purge though.  The room feels new.  I now sit facing the window and can just glance up for a look at the sky or the little forest of trees.  I like it.

A happy 60th birthday to my dear friend Peter today.  His mother just celebrated her 104th birthday a few weeks ago.  She still lives in her own place.  Peter helps her out but she still has her mind intact and is able to get out and about with the help of a walker and Peter.   Imagine that.

to be continued ....

Friday, August 3, 2012

From the Vanessa Tarot I pulled The Moon.  To clarify a bit more, I pulled Ace of Cups.  Okay, I say to myself.  Will ponder. (have always liked the Moon card and 98% of the time it shows up is a positive thing for me)

It was a long hot, hot bicycle ride home from work today.  Got all my work done and was able to leave at 3pm.  I was jumping for joy in the washroom as I changed into my biking clothes.  Could hardly contain my excitement.  A week off.

Tonight is going to be a watch a movie and lounge evening.  Totally relax and enjoy.  I am usually an early riser and once up in the morning, and after my morning coffee hopefully out on the balcony, I will continue the process of getting my new computer up and running. 

Life is good ...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

A very busy week at work as I am pulling double duty covering for someone who is on vacation.  That is fine, just tiring for me.  My daughter's boyfriend got laid off yesterday and is very upset as he has decided to go back to school and really needed a full time job for August.  Plans change.  They will have to adjust.  My son phoned me today to tell me his cat has cancer in her ear.  He is sad and I am sad for him and for Kairi.  She is a sweet girl.

I sat down with my DruidCraft deck and pulled The World.  That surprised me and I wondered what to think.  So I asked what The World was supposed to mean and pulled The Fool.  Hmmm ...

Despite the above crisis outside of my Self, I am very excited as I have next week off.  One more day ... and it is a ride my bike to work day.  Hopefully the rain will hold off for me since they are forecasting storms.   I am looking forward to the completion of last weekend's plans of getting my new computer out of the box and up and running.  Still lots to do before that will happen. 

I think the cards refer more to what is going on with me than anything in my outside world.  I will have to ponder them for awhile. 

I am grateful I can be there for my daughter and my son when they need my support.
I am grateful I have a job that allows me to take time off.
I am just grateful.

to be continued ....