I have thoroughly enjoyed this week off work.  Can't believe it is Friday already.  Good news ... Monday is a holiday so I have an extra day before heading back to the office.  I do like my job and for the most part enjoy it.  However, I do believe I like not being there more.  Gives me a insight how it would be to retire.  But won't go there since that is not a reality for quite some time.

It is extremely hot outside and inside as well.  It certainly does zap the energy and finding the motivation to "work" is not easy.  Had to though and so I did.  I exercised by carefully doing my weight routine and as well the special exercises I found to help my upper back/shoulder/neck area.  Is feeling much better.

I worked for two hours on the requirements necessary to obtain my "hall pass" needed to join classes at the Magical Circle School (I enrolled earlier this week).  Proving to be more work than I had anticipated but, saying that, I am enjoying the tasks.  Just going to take me longer to actually get in the class I want to take.  All in good time.

I then did a meditation session which was amazing.  These sessions are getting better each time.  I am understanding my inner Self better and how it works for me in there. It can get somewhat confusing but I am learning to just totally let go ....

Then I found my DruidCraft Tarot deck and drew three cards:

1 - 5 of Cups
2 - 8 Swords
3- The Fool

hmmm .... The scenery on the 5 of Cups is my dream.  It is not far from my cabin and I can walk there anytime.  Well, my cabin my my dream world!  I must not forget I still have two full cups and my hope and dream is still alive.  I just need to turn around from looking to the future wishing and dreaming, to being in the moment .. and believe it.  Yes, I need to believe it can happen.  Not just stand there looking out wondering what it would be like and feeling sad thinking it will never happen.

The 8 of Swords confirms I feel like I am stuck (and indeed sometimes I feel like I am stuck like glue) but really I am not.  It is of my own doing ... most likely my thought patterns.  And my fear.  And my attitude.  All up to me to change.  I don't have to be stuck.  Sure real life is a challenge but that is nothing new for me.  It has always been a challenge to be me.  A part of me wants to be this girl and stay stuck.  Sometimes it certainly is easier.  But the other part of me wants nothing to do with that and will do whatever it takes to get unstuck.

So then we come to The Fool ... and that says it all.  Take care of the 5 and the 8 and move forward, take the risk.  Allow my soul to guide me.  Exactly what I am doing with the inner guide meditation sessions.  I continue on my journey of discovery.  Continually changing along the path as I grow and grow.

I feel good about these cards.  Lessons need to be learned, challenges overcome but mostly these are within myself rather than from the outside.  I really love this deck.  The cards are huge but I like the feel of them in my hands and I just shuffle them by holding them the long way and it works.  Going to keep them out for awhile.

to be continued ....

I am having a good week.  Love saying that.  A very busy day today with appointments and errands.  An outside day.  I walked to meet my daughter for lunch (30 minute walk) so I could take her back to work and borrow the car for the afternoon.  I had until 4:30pm so off I went.  A busy little bee I was LOL.  I made it back to pick my daughter up at work and before I went home, I stopped at the grocery store.  A very hot day today, the forecast is high 30's rest of the week.  Picked up enough supplies so I won't need to go out in the heat if I don't want to. Will see.  If I am up early enough, I might go for a walk or even a bike ride down to the river.  Haven't been down, except to bike through on the bike/walking path on my way to work, this summer yet.  A special friend who passed three years ago has a tree planted there in his memory.  I like to go sit at his tree, listen to some music that means something special and just be. 

Decided to do a late daily card.  Got out my Robin Wood deck.  I find it hard to handle.  Slippery and my little hands have trouble keeping it under control. So I don't use it much although I do like it.

Card of the day:

Knight of Swords

My first thought ... perfect card for the day I had.  The Knight and the horse both are obviously in flight and on their way in a hurry somewhere but they both look calm.  This is how I felt today as I drove around town doing my errands.

Also, with further thought, this card is showing me my bravery and willingness to move forward. The conclusions I came to Sunday and Monday and still contemplating are right and I need to trust them and not second guess myself.    I like this card.  I like the wings.  My Mercury is in Gemini and I think of my Mercury when I see this card.  This is my mind ... forever busy.

time to go unwind and calm myself in preparation for sleep

to be continued

I'm smiling and that is always a good thing.  Had a very nice day.  Nothing special. In fact, I did not leave my apartment.  But I got so much accomplished.  I got so caught up in my journey, I forgot to exercise and do my daily meditation.  And its okay. 

A few moments ago, I pulled a card from the Manga Tarot

2 Chalices (Cups).  A nice card.  A man, a woman drinking from each others cups, looking at each others eyes.  Comforting to look at.  For me, in my life situation, this card is not about love, since I am on my own.  To me it represents merging of the two opposites within me. 

And that is exactly what I have been working on all day.  I took some steps on the path today.  Very excited about that.  Hence the smile on my face. 

Tomorrow will be a day spent outside the apartment. Errands will be taken care of.  On first thought rather mundane but on second thought, equally as important as the work I did today.  I will be aware of the moments as I go about my day and come home with some thoughts about how the experience affected me.  Yes, I will do that.  And I will have a smile on my face.

to be continued ....

Proud of myself.  Been troubled with upper back/shoulder/neck soreness for three weeks now and this has limited my normal workouts.  Been working specifically on this area doing some yoga and other exercises and they do help.  But I haven't done my total weight workout in all this time.  Miss it.  Today I jumped on the treadmill and ran for awhile, did the limited exercises I have been doing and at least feel like I accomplished something.  Tomorrow will try my normal weight workout and see what happens.  Maybe there will be some I can't do so just won't do those ones.

Anyway, it was cold this morning.  I went out around 10am for a walk to the grocery store and was shocked at how "cold" it was.  Really not cold at all, just normal LOL. It has been very hot lately.  I see from the forecast, the heat will be back.

I spent the majority of the afternoon bringing my finances up to date.  I'd neglected this for too long.  I don't enjoy doing it but it did feel good to get everything in order and be able to see where I am at.  Needed to do this to help me with some decisions I'm wanting to make.

Once that was done, I sat down for a meditation and then drew a card of the day.  What came from the meditation today was a strong message for me to feel worthy.  To not be afraid.

From the Manga Tarot I drew:
Ace of Wands - I smiled when I saw this card.  The colours on the card are so perfect for me.  It is telling me to know myself and don't be afraid. Take some risks.  And indeed it is telling me I am worthy.  Wands are fire.  My Moon is in Sag and its my Moon I've been struggling with.  Where is my fire?  Where is my optimism.  I've always depended on my Moon to keep me going.  It is a positive element in a challenging chart.  I need you Moon to be there for me.  Well, of course, it has always been there.  I just haven't seen it very well. 

Life is so interesting.  I love the never ending journey of knowledge.  Always reaching for more.  Always digging deep to bring out the good.  This card reminds me not to forget what I find interesting about life, not to forget the little things that bring a smile to my face.  And to allow myself to feel the magic.

to be continued ....

June 24, 2012 ... it was or it seemed like a long week at work.  I was off the previous week so had some catching up to do.  Friday I had things to get done before I could leave so was feeling somewhat pressured.  But ultimately got everything done.  Fridays my ride is off, so I ride my bicycle to work.  Most of the week we were in a heat wave but luckily on Friday it was much cooler with less humidity.  My ride both to work and home were enjoyable.  I'll be honest, my little legs aren't quite in the best shape for riding yet but getting there.  The ride along the river soothes my soul.

My intentions of keeping up with daily meditations and tarot readings ... well that fell by the wayside.  It pains me to say but oh so true.  By the time I get home from work, my mental energy has left me.  That leaves the weekends.  Just finished another inner guide meditation and again very interesting.  Wrote down my experience.  After that I drew some cards from the Manga Tarot just to see what they had to say. 

1 - 5 Swords
2- Ace of Pentacles
3 - King of Wands

Totally falls into line with me finding my self-confidence and not feeling defeated.  Getting healthy and making my home, my home.  Doesn't matter where it is.  I am the beginning of the journey.  It has to start with me and my well being ... physically, mentally and emotionally. 

So I feel I am on the right path.  Is it challenging ... absolutely.  Will I fall off once in while ... probably.  Will I have the strength to get back on ... indeed.

At this point in my life, my options are limited.  I have to continue to work so I have somewhere to live.  This isn't so bad as I don't mind doing my job.  What I mind is the time it takes from my true joys in life.  This is what I need to work on.  Finding more of a balance.  I have to find this balance within the confines of what my reality is and will be for more years to come. 

I am grateful I have a job and one I don't mind going to.
I am grateful I don't mind being on my own since being on my own is what is.
I am grateful to have experienced love in various forms over the course of my life.
I am grateful I have been loved and am loved.
I am grateful for my two beautiful kitties who love me unconditionally.

My son called me the other night wanting to know if I would be interested in having a "family night" at least once a month.  He wants to have a meal and play some games with his girlfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, and me.  I thought it was terribly sweet of him and I said yes, let's plan it.

I am off work this coming week.  Hoping to have more time to spend playing with my cards and catching up with some neglected paperwork, correspondence and reading.  Well maybe all that won't get accomplished but will give it a try.

I do have some decisions to make about things that could help my life be a little easier financially.  The cards I drew give me hope I will make some right decisions.  It all begins with me.

Since I am off work for the coming week, will be back with a daily draw and my thoughts.

to be continued ....

Jun 16/12 - Happy birthday to Mom "G" who is no longer with us on this earth but deeply missed.

I am thinking perhaps my middle/upper/shoulder/neck pain could be related to some emotional stuff I've been through lately.  It began shortly after an emotional encounter almost three weeks ago with someone I considered a close friend.  Clearly I've been in denial as this encounter showed me.  Do I feel stabbed in the back?  Yes.  Do I feel a lack of support?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty? Yes.  Adding to my "pain" were two days at work sitting in my chair at my desk, working under pressure, way beyond the normal working hours. 

Earlier, I did some yoga and some specific exercises for my sore area. Helped. Not gone but helped.  I decided to do some meditation but first I sat down with a piece of paper and just started writing.  Let whatever come out.  And come out it did.  Now, that felt good.  On to the meditation.  Many years ago used to do an "inner guide" meditation and felt this would be the one to use.  Wow ... amazing experience.  Didn't get too far but will be going back as there is work to do there.  I met a hare who had me going around in circles for a bit and then told me it wasn't time to meet my inner guide.  I agreed.  After that I sat at a beautiful tree gazing at the beautiful forest area.  Then I went back to my "cave" and noticed my work space (which I hadn't noticed when I first arrived before going out) with both tarot and astrology books, decks, papers etc.  Noted.  Laid down on my comfy couch and had a nap.  As I felt myself coming back to reality, I concentrated on breathing in positive energy, breathing out negative.  Opened my eyes and looked around.  With new eyes.  Can't wait to go back.  This is to become a daily routine.  Have a special notebook to write down my experiences.

Since I was so relaxed, it was a perfect time to pull a card for the day, again from the Manga Tarot.

4 Wands - such a pretty lady on this card. So confident and happy and although you can't see any other faces you can see hands as they throw flower petals all around her.  It is clear they are proud of her, acknowledging and sharing in her celebration whatever it might be.  This card reminds me, I want to feel like her.  I did while in my meditation. I can't allow myself to forget the positive characteristics within myself. Don't forget my accomplishments over the course of my lifetime.  I am confident, capable, loyal, loving and supportive.  I am a good friend.  I am a good mother and father (had to be both). I am all those things and more ...

It is a hot day out there and it feels like some rain may be on the way, perhaps a thunderstorm.  I live in an apartment building and luckily I face a little forest.  I can sit on my balcony and pretend I am anywhere.  Far away from the city.  I like that.  As I gaze out my window right now all I see is the trees as they move in the wind and the clouds as they roll in.  The simple things bring me joy.  Time for a sit outside.  My son gave me Game of Thrones to read.  Having a hard time with it but for his sake will give it more time.  It might grow on me. 

to be continued .....

Jun 15/12

This week off from work turned into a busy week off from work.  Certainly not my intention.  The plan was to get some much needed rest to re-charge my total self.  This was not to be.  I do not enjoy shopping, however, Tuesday and Wednesday were spent shopping.  Had to be done.  Did very well for myself and am pleased with my purchases.  Tuesday evening was a family BBQ for my son's 28th birthday (actually on the 11th).  I made him a cake and added various coins wrapped in waxed paper to the mixture.  Doing this made the evening a joyous success.  We laughed and laughed.

Recently, I experienced some middle back, shoulder and neck soreness that finally seemed to have left me.  So yesterday, I resumed my weight workout only to find while doing sit-ups, it hurt my back.  I was not able to continue.  Strange for me since I've never had back issues.  It is back to the yoga only for me for awhile.  I can still walk or run, no problem, and perhaps some of the weight exercises.  This was part of why I wanted a week of total relaxation.  I think carrying all my packages on Wednesday did irritate the left side.  What was I thinking. 

Today, I brought out a tarot deck I have never used but bought quite some time ago - Manga Tarot (Riccardo Minetti) from Lo Scarabeo.   I played with it for awhile looking at the pictures, getting a feel for it.  Love the colours and the artwork.  Very different but readable to my eyes.

Before using I wrote down "fun thoughts" and then drew 3 cards.

10 cups - nice card. positive card. I felt it was telling me every moment has its worth.  The rainbow shines after the rain and how beautiful is that.  10 being the number of the Wheel of Fortune, I am thinking perhaps a turning point is on its way.

Prince of Swords - Oh okay, this Prince is looking at me as if he is not pleased with me.  Rightly so.  Takes me to what I wrote down before I started "fun thoughts" ... well Swords are thoughts ... not necessarily fun ... but I do have ideas rambling around in my head that need brought out.  I sometimes let my emotions (cups) challenge me in a negative way rather than positive.

Ace of Swords - another sword.  Again thoughts.  With the ace the thought can lead to the truth and with the Prince, I had better get using my thoughts.  My rainbow will shine but only I can make it shine.

I like these cards.  They reinforce my goals.  I am going to write up an agenda, something I can work with on a daily basis moving forward. A work in progress and that is okay.  As long as I continue on the path ...

to be continued ....

Happy 28th birthday Jordan.  A good day.  A what am I grateful for day.  Change the mindset to positive rather than lingering on the challenges as many of my posts have been.

I am grateful I woke up this morning
I am grateful to have two beautiful children in my life.  They are more than my children.
I am grateful for those who love me and those I love
I am grateful I have a job
I am grateful I have vacation time from that job

And speaking of vacation time.  How easy would it be to get used to not working.  Oh so easy.  I love it.  I would absolutely need some structure built in but oh the freedom.  And the stress level shoots way down.

As a what am I grateful for day, I brought out the Vanessa Tarot deck.  It is light and breezy and perfect for today.

Card of the day = 4 of Swords. In this deck the setting is, perhaps, a living room with a fireplace and an easy chair to the left.  A fire is burning.  The lady (me) is sitting so comfortably she has closed her eyes.  Resting, relaxing, taking a break from life for just a little bit.   Exactly what I said I wanted to do for this week off.  Take a break, re-charge.  Intellectually, emotionally and physically.  Perfect card.

Just for fun I checked the bottom card - 4 of Wands (another four).  This is tomorrow as we celebrate Jordan's birthday with a family BBQ.  Earlier, I got all the ingredients necessary to make him a cake.  I am going to wrap individual coins in wax paper and put in the cake.  Surprise!! This goes back to my childhood and I carried it on when the kids were young.  He will laugh.  It will be fun. 

A very hot, humid day here in Southwestern Ontario.  Yesterday was extremely hot with the sun, today the sun is hiding.  It feels like a thunderstorm could be brewing.  It is that type of day.  My only thought is the rain hold off until my son and his girlfriend get back from Toronto all safe and sound.  They went to Canada's Wonderland for his birthday.

to be continued :)))))

June 10, 2012
I woke up a week ago Thursday morning with upper back pain.  From out of nowhere, or, maybe not.  A personal issue with a friend, although that may be the wrong word, brought me enormous stress the previous four days.  Falling on the floor crying kind of stress.  At the same time it was month end and year end at work.  I sat in my chair from 8am until 4:30pm on Wednesday and from 8am until 7pm on Thursday under a lot of pressure to get all the sales in and posted.  Any wonder my back hurts.  Thought it would go away in a day or two but over a week later and it is still with me.  Course I haven't helped.  Bicycled to work this past Friday with a heavy backpack on my back.  Beautiful ride I might add all along the river.  So lucky the bike/walking path goes all the way to work and I can avoid the streets. Had no option but to bike it in since my ride is off every Friday until the end of September.  Good thing I enjoy biking.  Carrying home my backpack full of groceries on my back doesn't help either.  One has to do what one has to do.  I am off work this coming week and plan to rest my back as best I can.  Have been doing some yoga exercises to help and will continue.  Meditating to ease the nervous energy within.

So I pulled three cards a little while ago from the Morgan-Greer Tarot (the Spanish edition ordered in error) asking for options on moving forward.  No specific spread, just a general look.

1. 7 Wands
2. 9 Swords
3. 3 Pents

They add up to 19 - Sun (love this card), that breaks down to 8 Strength. Bottom card when I looked was the World and the next top card if I had drawn it was the High Priestess. 

My first thought was oh yeah, I am tied up in knots and I am allowing my obstacles to be self imposed.  Need to learn to let things go faster and easier.  WORK AT IT.  9's can be endings.  3's growth.  Not quite over yet, however, it isn't in my nature to give up and I will continue moving forward best I can.  I am a Taurus ... I know how to be stubborn,  I know how to work hard, I know I have great inner strength.  And I love the Sun card.  Seeing it makes me smile.  LOL 

On a totally different subject, my daughter and her boyfriend did the 5k Gutsy Walk for Crohn's today in support of her friend, Jamie.  Raised a lot of money.  A 30C hot hot day as well.  Proud of her.

Oh and tomorrow is my son, Jordan's 28th birthday.  My baby. 

 to be continued .....