Saturday, January 15, 2011

Aloness Vs Lonely

I'm a loner.  No doubt about it.  Being in denial about it or not wanting it to be true doesn't change it.  I have three brothers and then there was me.  They had each other and were great companions.  Oh I joined them but I just didn't quite fit in.  Boys are boys.  We moved around a lot and they always had each other and then there was me.  I guess I got used to being alone.  I created my own world.  I am not and never will be an outgoing type of person.  I have to work at it or be forced into it, so to say the least, it wasn't easy for me making new friends every few years.  Fits my Scorpio rising sign opposite my Taurus Sun.  Its been one of my struggles in life.  I learned to surround myself with outgoing friends making it easier for me.  That worked.  Then I got married, had two kids, got divorced, raised my kids alone (why does this not surprise) and worked my butt off to support us.  No time to be alone or lonely.  Now the kids are gone and I am on my own.  What is the difference between being alone and being lonely.  Lots really.  Truth is I do get lonely from time to time but for the most part I enjoy being alone.  As I age, I find myself enjoying the solitude, being reclusive. 

I grabbed my Pagan Tarot (Gina Pace) and drew three cards with alone and lonely and myself in mind and here is what I got.

1. 9 The Hermit - OMG ... what else can I say

2. 8 Pentacles - a woman in an office setting working alone (quite like myself) and working seriously (quite like myself)

3. 9 Pentacles - a woman sitting outside enjoying a drink and the sunshine ... and again quite like myself.  I love sitting out on my balcony surrounded by a few plants, my cats just relaxing for a few moments.  The word "joy" is what is important here.  I always try to find some joy in each day. 

An 8 surrounded by 9's.  It does seem similar the Hermit and the 8 of Pents with the seriousness but I do see the hope in the 9's.  Yes, the Hermit is alone and wants to be alone but she/he is searching and being introspective but will give back without expecting anything in return.  With the 9 of Pents there is a few moments to reap the rewards for all the hard work.  The three numbers add up to 8 (Strength).  Indeed.

Great cards to get for my train of thoughts lately.  They seem to be all about the solitude part of me.  Perhaps its okay to be there right now.  Perhaps I just need to allow myself to be there.  I don't totally neglect my friendships and loved ones but it is true I'd rather be alone than plan an evening out.  Or I might plan the evening out only to not want to go when the time comes.  It is quite a big deal when I do venture out but that is a whole other blog and tarot reading. 

to be continued ....

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