Baby steps back

Been awhile. I haven't written or journaled in many many months and so am definitely out of practice. However, writing/journaling benefits me in so many various ways, here I go with an attempt.

When I retired mid June, I had no idea two months later I'd still be transitioning to this new life. Definitely taking longer than I ever imagined to clear my head of decades of "work information".  Surprised as well how many emotional ups and downs there have been. 
As long as I can remember, my routine was based around my job. Now there is no set routine, no alarm clock getting me up ... it is 100% up to me to work out an order of sorts.  

Once I realized this was going to be a slower process than I anticipated, I gave myself permission to do nothing or rather do whatever.  It has been quite enlightening what I gravitated to but that is a whole other blog.

Now the time has come for the cards to come out and for me to be my creative self again.

Starting small by using only two cards and using the Universal Waite tarot, I asked  "what do I need to know about getting my writing/journal/tarot mojo back".

The 3 of Pents shows me I need to put in the effort but also share with others, listen and receive back. Indeed I have begun the process of doing just that by reaching out to like minded folks who can help me and me help them.

The 10 of Cups tells me I can get my "joy" back.  Much to my dismay it disappeared a few years ago after always being there to help me through all the challenges thrown my way. Seeing this card my eye went immediately to the children playing.  I did this regularly last winter/spring as I struggled through another pressure and stress filled tax season.  I dug down deep and brought out my 6 year old self to play with me and we had fun each evening. She really did show me what laughing and having fun can mean.  Tarot is something that is fun for me.

The Shadow card (bottom of the deck card) is The Fool. For me this totally connects to the innocence of the children playing and my need to be more like that in present time. Also The Fool is telling me to just go for it.  Stop overthinking everything.

These cards add up to 13 - Death.  Am thinking this is my excuse voice, my lack of confidence voice and even some illogical fear. However, I also see Death, particularly with these cards, indicating the clearing away of the old routines, the old way of being.  Leading to a band new me for this part of my journey. I am okay with it being a slow process.

Just some words

I am a child again waiting for a future time that seems to take forever to arrive. The problem being I want to be in the now rather than waiting.  Seems easy on the surface but as I have discovered not so easy.

I've worked at the same job for almost 27 years and am grateful for those years. It saved me at a time when I found myself with two young children to take care of on my own. It fed us, kept a roof over our head and gave us a good life.  I enjoyed the work, thrived on the pressures and even the stresses a busy January to May tax season can bring. But the time has come to call it a day.  Time to move on to what I am really passionate about.  Time to have the time and the mental energy to actually spend on these activities.

Getting through this last tax season has been harder than I anticipated.  Two voices ... one keeps me going one day at a time, the other allows me to dream about life post work.

44 more working days.  It often feels like it will never arrive.

The last few years have been extremely challenging personally for me. Many changes, decisions, letting go, personal growth, moments of wondering what it is all about.  The growth, the questions, the curiosity will never end and that is what I love.

My wonderful friend, SM, surprised me once again with the arrival of another of her paintings.  This one, when I first looked at it, saw only the beautiful bubble of yellow.  It captures and engulfs me. The turmoil and challenges ... being the darkness ... will always be a part of me but the yellow will win.  My eye on the yellow as I learn, grow and evolve.

I am so grateful for people like SM in my life who brighten my spirit.

Grateful for my beautiful daughter who loves me for who I am with no expectations. Very rare.

Grateful for my son who opened my eyes to a whole new world. Travelling with him to our jobs in the city this past year and a half  (an hour there, an hour home) has been amazing.  I will miss this special time together.

Grateful for the community here on-line and am looking forward to having the time to catch up with everyone. Their blogs, activities and interacting again.

44 more working days!!! I can do it.  Yes I can.