It has been awhile and I've missed this little bit of writing.  Leading up to Christmas was very busy both with work and trying to get shopping done.  Dec 24 is my son's new fiance's birthday.  Normally because of work schedules, Christmas Eve was our family get together to open presents and have some fun.  This year, however, we totally put the whole Christmas thing aside and had a birthday party.  My son, who is a brilliant chef, outdid himself with the meal and birthday cake.  We had so much fun.  Then on Christmas Day we did it all again.  What a special holiday it turned out to be and I am so grateful for two wonderful children and as well their wonderful partners.

Four days ago my world turned upside down or perhaps I should say might be turned upside down.  Either way on Friday mid-day a phone call changed my life as I knew it the moment before.  I will be entering 2013 not knowing if I have breast cancer.  Only the day before the phone call was my mammogram so the call back was quick.  However, I have to wait until Jan 14 for the further testing.  I did not handle this well at all.  No doubt because my own mother passed away at age 59 from breast cancer.  Always in the back of one's mind.  However, I have never had a call back.  They tell me it isn't uncommon.  They tell me not to worry.  How does one not worry.  I want to know one way or the other.  Then I can deal with it.  In the meantime, all I want to do is hide, the joy sucked out of me.  But life does go on doesn't it and I must try to enjoy every moment as that is all any of us have.  I have given this advice to several friends over the years.

It has been difficult to use any of my decks.  They aren't working and I understand that.  This morning I felt somewhat lighter so took the opportunity to get out the Osho Zen tarot  deck.  

I pulled 9 of Rainbows (Pentacles) "Ripeness" first.  Beautiful card.  I noticed the one apple falling off the tree.  That felt like me.  Off.  The book tells me I just need to relax, to gather the courage to enter into my inner forest.  Not to stop being me, sharing or being creative.  It is always the right time.  Oh yeah, I have shut down ... this card telling me to get off my butt and continue on being me.

Drew another card just for some further clarity and had to chuckle when I saw the 2 of Rainbows (Pentacles) "Moment to Moment".  

Guess these cards gave me a universal scolding.  Okay, okay, I will try.  I will try.  I will sit down right now and write down ten things I am grateful for.  Ten things I can smile about.

I will try ...