Jun 16/12 - Happy birthday to Mom "G" who is no longer with us on this earth but deeply missed.

I am thinking perhaps my middle/upper/shoulder/neck pain could be related to some emotional stuff I've been through lately.  It began shortly after an emotional encounter almost three weeks ago with someone I considered a close friend.  Clearly I've been in denial as this encounter showed me.  Do I feel stabbed in the back?  Yes.  Do I feel a lack of support?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty? Yes.  Adding to my "pain" were two days at work sitting in my chair at my desk, working under pressure, way beyond the normal working hours. 

Earlier, I did some yoga and some specific exercises for my sore area. Helped. Not gone but helped.  I decided to do some meditation but first I sat down with a piece of paper and just started writing.  Let whatever come out.  And come out it did.  Now, that felt good.  On to the meditation.  Many years ago used to do an "inner guide" meditation and felt this would be the one to use.  Wow ... amazing experience.  Didn't get too far but will be going back as there is work to do there.  I met a hare who had me going around in circles for a bit and then told me it wasn't time to meet my inner guide.  I agreed.  After that I sat at a beautiful tree gazing at the beautiful forest area.  Then I went back to my "cave" and noticed my work space (which I hadn't noticed when I first arrived before going out) with both tarot and astrology books, decks, papers etc.  Noted.  Laid down on my comfy couch and had a nap.  As I felt myself coming back to reality, I concentrated on breathing in positive energy, breathing out negative.  Opened my eyes and looked around.  With new eyes.  Can't wait to go back.  This is to become a daily routine.  Have a special notebook to write down my experiences.

Since I was so relaxed, it was a perfect time to pull a card for the day, again from the Manga Tarot.

4 Wands - such a pretty lady on this card. So confident and happy and although you can't see any other faces you can see hands as they throw flower petals all around her.  It is clear they are proud of her, acknowledging and sharing in her celebration whatever it might be.  This card reminds me, I want to feel like her.  I did while in my meditation. I can't allow myself to forget the positive characteristics within myself. Don't forget my accomplishments over the course of my lifetime.  I am confident, capable, loyal, loving and supportive.  I am a good friend.  I am a good mother and father (had to be both). I am all those things and more ...

It is a hot day out there and it feels like some rain may be on the way, perhaps a thunderstorm.  I live in an apartment building and luckily I face a little forest.  I can sit on my balcony and pretend I am anywhere.  Far away from the city.  I like that.  As I gaze out my window right now all I see is the trees as they move in the wind and the clouds as they roll in.  The simple things bring me joy.  Time for a sit outside.  My son gave me Game of Thrones to read.  Having a hard time with it but for his sake will give it more time.  It might grow on me. 

to be continued .....

Jun 15/12

This week off from work turned into a busy week off from work.  Certainly not my intention.  The plan was to get some much needed rest to re-charge my total self.  This was not to be.  I do not enjoy shopping, however, Tuesday and Wednesday were spent shopping.  Had to be done.  Did very well for myself and am pleased with my purchases.  Tuesday evening was a family BBQ for my son's 28th birthday (actually on the 11th).  I made him a cake and added various coins wrapped in waxed paper to the mixture.  Doing this made the evening a joyous success.  We laughed and laughed.

Recently, I experienced some middle back, shoulder and neck soreness that finally seemed to have left me.  So yesterday, I resumed my weight workout only to find while doing sit-ups, it hurt my back.  I was not able to continue.  Strange for me since I've never had back issues.  It is back to the yoga only for me for awhile.  I can still walk or run, no problem, and perhaps some of the weight exercises.  This was part of why I wanted a week of total relaxation.  I think carrying all my packages on Wednesday did irritate the left side.  What was I thinking. 

Today, I brought out a tarot deck I have never used but bought quite some time ago - Manga Tarot (Riccardo Minetti) from Lo Scarabeo.   I played with it for awhile looking at the pictures, getting a feel for it.  Love the colours and the artwork.  Very different but readable to my eyes.

Before using I wrote down "fun thoughts" and then drew 3 cards.

10 cups - nice card. positive card. I felt it was telling me every moment has its worth.  The rainbow shines after the rain and how beautiful is that.  10 being the number of the Wheel of Fortune, I am thinking perhaps a turning point is on its way.

Prince of Swords - Oh okay, this Prince is looking at me as if he is not pleased with me.  Rightly so.  Takes me to what I wrote down before I started "fun thoughts" ... well Swords are thoughts ... not necessarily fun ... but I do have ideas rambling around in my head that need brought out.  I sometimes let my emotions (cups) challenge me in a negative way rather than positive.

Ace of Swords - another sword.  Again thoughts.  With the ace the thought can lead to the truth and with the Prince, I had better get using my thoughts.  My rainbow will shine but only I can make it shine.

I like these cards.  They reinforce my goals.  I am going to write up an agenda, something I can work with on a daily basis moving forward. A work in progress and that is okay.  As long as I continue on the path ...

to be continued ....

Happy 28th birthday Jordan.  A good day.  A what am I grateful for day.  Change the mindset to positive rather than lingering on the challenges as many of my posts have been.

I am grateful I woke up this morning
I am grateful to have two beautiful children in my life.  They are more than my children.
I am grateful for those who love me and those I love
I am grateful I have a job
I am grateful I have vacation time from that job

And speaking of vacation time.  How easy would it be to get used to not working.  Oh so easy.  I love it.  I would absolutely need some structure built in but oh the freedom.  And the stress level shoots way down.

As a what am I grateful for day, I brought out the Vanessa Tarot deck.  It is light and breezy and perfect for today.

Card of the day = 4 of Swords. In this deck the setting is, perhaps, a living room with a fireplace and an easy chair to the left.  A fire is burning.  The lady (me) is sitting so comfortably she has closed her eyes.  Resting, relaxing, taking a break from life for just a little bit.   Exactly what I said I wanted to do for this week off.  Take a break, re-charge.  Intellectually, emotionally and physically.  Perfect card.

Just for fun I checked the bottom card - 4 of Wands (another four).  This is tomorrow as we celebrate Jordan's birthday with a family BBQ.  Earlier, I got all the ingredients necessary to make him a cake.  I am going to wrap individual coins in wax paper and put in the cake.  Surprise!! This goes back to my childhood and I carried it on when the kids were young.  He will laugh.  It will be fun. 

A very hot, humid day here in Southwestern Ontario.  Yesterday was extremely hot with the sun, today the sun is hiding.  It feels like a thunderstorm could be brewing.  It is that type of day.  My only thought is the rain hold off until my son and his girlfriend get back from Toronto all safe and sound.  They went to Canada's Wonderland for his birthday.

to be continued :)))))

June 10, 2012
I woke up a week ago Thursday morning with upper back pain.  From out of nowhere, or, maybe not.  A personal issue with a friend, although that may be the wrong word, brought me enormous stress the previous four days.  Falling on the floor crying kind of stress.  At the same time it was month end and year end at work.  I sat in my chair from 8am until 4:30pm on Wednesday and from 8am until 7pm on Thursday under a lot of pressure to get all the sales in and posted.  Any wonder my back hurts.  Thought it would go away in a day or two but over a week later and it is still with me.  Course I haven't helped.  Bicycled to work this past Friday with a heavy backpack on my back.  Beautiful ride I might add all along the river.  So lucky the bike/walking path goes all the way to work and I can avoid the streets. Had no option but to bike it in since my ride is off every Friday until the end of September.  Good thing I enjoy biking.  Carrying home my backpack full of groceries on my back doesn't help either.  One has to do what one has to do.  I am off work this coming week and plan to rest my back as best I can.  Have been doing some yoga exercises to help and will continue.  Meditating to ease the nervous energy within.

So I pulled three cards a little while ago from the Morgan-Greer Tarot (the Spanish edition ordered in error) asking for options on moving forward.  No specific spread, just a general look.

1. 7 Wands
2. 9 Swords
3. 3 Pents

They add up to 19 - Sun (love this card), that breaks down to 8 Strength. Bottom card when I looked was the World and the next top card if I had drawn it was the High Priestess. 

My first thought was oh yeah, I am tied up in knots and I am allowing my obstacles to be self imposed.  Need to learn to let things go faster and easier.  WORK AT IT.  9's can be endings.  3's growth.  Not quite over yet, however, it isn't in my nature to give up and I will continue moving forward best I can.  I am a Taurus ... I know how to be stubborn,  I know how to work hard, I know I have great inner strength.  And I love the Sun card.  Seeing it makes me smile.  LOL 

On a totally different subject, my daughter and her boyfriend did the 5k Gutsy Walk for Crohn's today in support of her friend, Jamie.  Raised a lot of money.  A 30C hot hot day as well.  Proud of her.

Oh and tomorrow is my son, Jordan's 28th birthday.  My baby. 

 to be continued .....

Having a rather difficult time since the eclipse.  Brief periods of light but then the darkness comes again without warning.  Feels like I'm down a hole and can't climb my way out.  Trying, just can't quite get there.  Almost, cry of joy, but a bit too soon.  Life is a challenge sometimes, well my life always has been, and this is no different.  Learn the lesson, Carol, I tell myself.  Learn the lesson.  Or it will just come back around and around and around until you do.  Okay.  

I had decided to do some mediation or some qigong to get out of myself and then I read these words and perhaps I will be able to make that climb ...

Universe:  "Grant me the awareness to be fully present and receptive to the gifts of this day. Free me from the distractions of the past or fears of the future and allow me to be genuinely open to all that is available to me TODAY. Help me to enjoy the creativity of others as well as share my own creativity at its best. Let this be a day where I experience my life as a wonderful creation which I deeply love and am grateful for." (by Sonia Choquette)

Okay universe, I hear you.  Again.  It isn't like I don't already know this stuff.  Because I do.  I do.  One little lesson: put in place (somehow, someway) daily reminders so I don't forget my Self, my purpose, my goals, what I am grateful, who I am grateful for, those I can help, those that can help me and on and on.  Daily.  Don't get caught in the hole again.

To be continued ....

Back same day ... that is a record.  This afternoon I choose a deck, Morgan-Greer and meditated for awhile holding it.  Felt good.  Decided to draw three cards asking for some general direction to get me going again.

1 - 6 Swords
2 - King of Cups
3 - 5 Wands

Air/Water/Fire ... with the King itself being Air.

My first thoughts:  Moving forward from sad, stressful times, from indecision, from avoidance.  Becoming again aware of my intuition and my leadership abilities, having let them sit on the back burner.  The King is looking to the future away from the past although he is looking at the 5 of Wands.  Too many ideas floating around, too many things started and not finished.  I am to work on the sorting out of all these various areas in my life I need to balance.  I began that process today.

Adding the 6 + 5 = 11 is Justice.  Interestingly, this is the card I pulled last week and have been looking at all week.  I need to be honest and take responsibility for where I am in this life and where I am going.  I need to listen to my Self and move forward.  Always move forward.  The three cards pulled today clarify.

Excellent cards in my opinion.  They spoke loud and clear to me.  That made me smile.  Okay I hear you universe.  I hear you.

I will begin Qigong again along with my regular exercise workout.  I began it over a year ago, loved it but did not continue for whatever reason.  I NEED to continue it as it helped.  I enjoyed it very much.

So, a lot came from those three cards.  Happy me.

To be continued ....

Almost been a year since I've posted.  How did that happen?  Doesn't really matter since no one read it but me but it is a good place to write down my thoughts with the help of some tarot cards.  I am just out of another busy tax season and am finding my Self again.  Tax season leaves me with no time or energy for the things I love to do.  My life becomes work, sleep and work again.  No way to live but not really an option to change jobs at this point in my life.  Am going to start reading again and posting here with thoughts.  For myself. LOL.

The eclipse last night at 0 degrees Gemini falls exact on my Venus (really in last degree of Taurus) which happens to be square Saturn and opposite the Asc.  Saturn square my Sun bringing that into the mix ... TSquare triggered.   Interesting.

To be continued ... (and I mean it)